12 Questions to ask your Cheating Partner and what it means for your relationship
It’s a normal reaction to want to inflict damage or seek revenge on a cheating partner, but if you can remain calm enough (take a few deep breaths), it would be more beneficial if you could ask 10 questions that will give you clarity and help you determine what it means for your relationship.
Questions to ask your cheating partner
1. What did you tell yourself to justify your cheating behaviour?
2. How did you feel after sex?
3. Have you cheated previously?
4. Why did you go through with it if you knew it would hurt me?
5. Did you think about how it would affect me?
6. What message do you think it sends me?
7. What does that mean for our future or are you planning a future elsewhere?
8. What do they have going for them that I don’t?
9. How did having an affair make you feel different?
10. Did you have safe sex?
11. How do you think I should respond?
12. What would you do in my situation?
These 12 questions to ask your cheating partner can help you clarify where your relationship stands. If you are not convinced you are being told the truth, you can get the proof you need with one of our discrete private investigators. Take the necessary time you need to decide whether you can rebuild the relationship based on the answers your cheating spouse gives you.
1. What did you tell yourself to justify your cheating behaviour?
Based on the answer your partner gives you (if they’re truthful), the reasons they thought it was okay to have an affair. If their behaviour was fuelled by alcohol, it’s likely their was little thought given to their actions. If was due to a sense of self-entitlement because it was offered, or revenge for a past wrongdoing, it may be a sign of a narcissistic personality.
2. How did you feel after sex?
Look for answers that show remorsefulness or feelings of guilt. If your partner is unrepentant or replies with something hurtful. If they are a firm believer in guilt is a useless emotion, this is a sign you may be in a relationship with a serial offender.
3. Have you cheated previously?
Only remorseful partners may admit to previous affairs. This is one question where you may need to take their answer at face-value. However, according to a survey conducted by Health Testing Centres, the average person lies one to two times a day. Other interesting stats to come our of the survey was that 47% of those who contracted a sexually transmitted diease from cheating DID NOT tell their partners. Not everyone who cheats will cheat again, particulary if they are genuinely remorseful. Serial cheaters are often narcissistic and thrive on being dishonest.
4. Why did you go through with it if you knew it would hurt me?
It’s important to understand the reason the cheating partner porceeded with actions they knew would be deliberately hurtful if caught out. A one-off alcohol-fuelled decision making isn’t an excuse, but it is a sign that it wasn’t a calculated move and rather poor decision making in the moment. Sometimes a partner will cheat as a form of revenge, their needs are not being met at home or they are resentful. Resent builds contempt. If your partner doesn’t exhibit any signs of remorse, it could be time to ditch the toxic relationship.
5. Did you think about how it would affect me?
Many cheaters are focused on self-gratifcation. They’re not thinking about their actions will affect you. If the affair has moved beyond physical and there is an emotional attachment, you will be seen as an obstacle. Do you really want to be with someone who didn’t put you first?
6. What message do you think it sends me?
Cheating sends a strong message of “I don’t matter” or “I’m not valued”. This can be devastating for the person who has been cheated on. No one deserves to feel like that. Sometimes, a cheater purposefully plays up because it’s easier than telling their partner the relationship is over face to face.
7. What does that mean for our future or are you planning a future elsewhere?
Only 15.6% of relationships survive infidelity according to another survey conducted by the Health Testing Centres. Ultimately, this is a question both parties will need to openly and honestly discuss. Things get a little more complicated when there are children and assets involved, but if you have no financial ties other than sharing rent, you’ll have to decide whether the trust can be rebuilt.
8. What do they have going for them that I don’t?
New romances especially clandestine ones are exciting. It may not be that he/she more toned, better looking or doesn’t nag. It could be the addiction to the rush of fledgling intimacy that comes with the throes of a sneaking around and nothing to do with personality or looks at all. However this is an important question to ask so if it’s something you’ve been doing wrong, you’re aware of it for future relationships.
9. How did having an affair make you feel different?
It’s important to understand how different your partner is with the man/woman they are cheating with. Someone who is normally works long hours, then comes home and has to take care of a sick partner and wrangle the children may enjoy the freedom may be more carefree and light-hearted than within the confines of their current relationship. A hetrosexual partner who identifies as straight but has been cheating with a same-sex may be experiementing with their sexual orientation, and that’s a type of different, you can’t compete with.
10. Did you have safe sex?
If the answer is no, get ready to get the full spectrum of STI and STD tests.
11. How do you think I should respond?
Someone who thinks you should just get over it, doesn’t care about your feelings. Emotional and physical affairs are hurtful and you are entitled to work your way through your feelings. You are entitled to be angry, hurt and process your feelings. However if you are going to make the relationship work even after your partner has been unfaithful, you have to move on together. The past has to be the past and bringing up the affair or using it as a weapon won’t see your heal or be able to move forward.
12. What would you do in my situation?
This question will help you make your decision to whether you should stay or you should go. If your partner is telling you to leave, there’s no point begging to try and work things out. Someone who says, “I don’t care what you do,” is also not worth wasting your time with. Your partner’s reaction will give you some very obvious clues whether your relationship is salvageable.
If you’ve asked your cheating partner these 12 questions and are satisfied with the answers to stay together, but want the peace of mind that comes with hard proof they aren’t cheating, you can trust Cheating Spouses high level private investigators to conduct discrete surveillance. Contact us today for a confidential discussion.